Sometimes we get tunnel vision. Our sites become set on the wrong targets.
A few months ago, my energies were on seeing the negative actions and energies that made their way into our, otherwise, very peaceful environment.
Where focus goes, there we will find ourselves. So, I made a shift.
People make choices. I can only be responsible for my own choices. Sometimes that is simply my reaction to their choices…
Once focus changed, life felt much lighter.
What do you want to spend your time, energies and focus?
I know what I choose.
Self-care is defined as “the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health” and “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness “.
Making it a habit to practice self-care can be challenging. We all have busy schedules (with work, school, household, familial and social obligations) and let’s not forget the guilt. The “I should-be’s” can have very loud opinions.
How we should implement self-care into our lives:
1. I suggest trying to get enough sleep. How difficult is it to try to do anything when you’re exhausted? I know when I go through my seasons of PTSD nightmares, I can hardly function, let alone feel like caring for myself.
In order to set yourself up for success in the sleep department, my personal experience shows that (at least for me) routine and organization are key. Have a bedtime routine that shifts your mind from activity to preparing for sleep modes. One of the most helpful for me was making the bedroom a sanctuary….cozy colors, cozy blankets, soft lighting. Hygge the hell out of that space. Room darkening curtains are a must and consider removing electronics from your bedroom (cell phones, televisions, etc.
2. Practice the art of saying “no”. “No” is a complete sentence. If you have no time to give yourself at least 15 min, you don’t have time to add another bake sale, Susan.
3. Eat well to feel well. Practice mindfulness during your meals, truly savoring your food. Watch which types of food make you feel gross and sluggish and which make you feel great? Water, water, water…
4. If you are able, get a pet. Studies have shown that pets, especially a dog, help reduce stress, anxiety and high blood pressure. I’ve heard that people with PTSD are now using service dogs. I know for myself, although not a service dog, my dog has been a great asset in helping to calm and relax me – even going as far as waking me up from the nightmares that harass me and the dog will not leave my side when a panic attack sets in.
5. My personal favorite, get outside. Being outside reduces fatigue, burn-out and depression. For me, it nourishes my soul, especially when I am able to get away from the city, major bonus points when I can get out to enjoy a full moon or a sunset/rise…
6. Exercise daily
7. Get organized. Organize your space, your calendar, your routines. Organization reduces stress exponentially. Schedule your self-care so you reduce your chances of bailing on yourself.
8. Make time to read.
Life has shown me that self-care is a fundamental part of what we should do. How can we pour ourselves out for our loved ones if we feel there is nothing within us to give?
So, let’s take a look at our calendars, pick a day and schedule a nice, long walk, a hot bath, a leisurely meal with friends, even just waking up 15 minutes earlier to have an uninterrupted cuppa and some time for a little deep breathing.
Step-parents, this is especially important for us all. Hell, it’s important no matter what prefix is attached to parenting.
Enjoying the beauty I am honored to live around – except today, today it is snowing. Yes, I know it won’t last long, but I’m just a smidge tired of snow and minus eleventy hundred (slight exaggeration) degrees Celsius.
Choosing to focus on positivity, I’m posting a picture or two from one of my many walks in this beautiful land I get to call home.
If I may offer any advice to all parents out there, it’s to allow yourself to slow down with your children. A lesson I never fully learned until I became a grandmother.
It’s ok to stop to track bugs, look at pinecones and explore along the way. I know it seems daunting; you have so much to do. Those sleepless nights that last for a month, with a teething baby, do not seem short at all. Like at all. And you certainly don’t feel like watching ants while you need to be worrying about supper or laundry or washing your floors.
As I reach my mid-forties and my youngest (biological) child nears 16, I look back on those years and they are but a blip in my life. I constantly find I am contemplating the following quotes:
“How did it get so late so soon?” – Dr Seuss
“The days are long, but the years are short” – Gretchen Rubin
I was a single parent twice in my life. The first time to a toddler while I was barely in my twenties; the second time was in my thirties and I can’t say I was a legitimate single parent as my ex had the kids 50% of the time (until they chose to live with me full-time and by then I was in a relationship and they have an amazing step-dad).
Every day was long. Every night was longer. I felt I couldn’t do it at times, that it would never be “easy”. I worked
Now those kids are adults and teenagers and although it still isn’t “easy”, I have come to the realization I wish I could have been more mindful in my moments with my children.
I know I did the best I could and they were very well cared for. My thoughts on this are geared to my needs more than theirs but also realize I wishI could have been more attentive. I wish I had been more mindful during those cuddles I was getting in the midst of those nights of broken sleep, the moments where my children were excited to share their discoveries of earthworms and beetles. I acknowledge that I was in survival mode due to my own circumstances and that I should cut myself a bit of slack. To be fair to myself, due to that survival mode, there are many gaps in my memories…fragments of time my brain doesn’t want to, or chooses not to remember (this is common for a domestic abuse survivor). Perhaps my situation is a bit more extreme and complicated than others.
The main point I want to make is this: cut yourself some slack. You’re doing the best you can. Those dishes can totally wait if you want to enjoy singing your baby one more song or chase butterflies for 5 more minutes. Just breath, parents. Breath and enjoy.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, this handsome dude and I have some ants to follow….
Far too often it is so easy for us to speak to and about people, not from a place of truth, but from a place of interpretation. I observe this every day.
I am a people watcher. I watch reactions and responses. I watch eye rolls and lowered gazes. I watch how a little innocuous comment can actually be a poison dart careful aimed and fired at an obvious target.
Hard taught lessons in my life have shown me how to see red flags – even red flags that come guised as white flags of surrender. I have learned to respond not to react.
Oh, sometimes a knee-jerk reaction happens. I’m human. Sometimes my “dealt with a narcissist ” quota has been exceeded and, oops, reaction….
My advice to all of us (as much to myself as to anyone else who happens to read this): as a parent, or step-parent, we should pass on wisdom to our children not wounds. When we speak of others in their lives, our children sense the heart and tone in our words. Watch not only the what but the how when you say your words. Insecurities, jealousies, angers and hurts are interpreted by your children – loudly and clearly.
These diamond willow candle holders were made by my dad.
They have followed me through the years – they have seen a lot. They have gotten me through a lot.
Seeing them is such a source of comfort and strength.
I’m so fortunate for my dad. He is my teacher, my confidant and one of my best friends. It is so nice to be able to call on him whenever I need him – for sage advice and quiet reflection.
My dad (and his parents, especially my granny) fostered in me a love for nature that has carried me through my life and has kept me grounded through all life has thrown this way – the good, the bad, the terrible and the amazing.